Prayer to end T.V. Watching

Lord Almighty,
Creator of Tivo, Cable and Doogie,
Provider of all things Shark Week,
Destroyer of Arsenio, Magic, and Joey.
For these gifts we are most grateful,
But indulgence though hast also blessed.
I pray thee lord before this nacho cheese dip.
May arse and couch part mortal ways.
Give strength to reach forsaken remote.
Be merciful with Full House marathons.
Hold back thy Stargate SG1.
May Monday Nights be free of Madden
May Thursdays host not Heidi Klum.
Amen.

Prayer Before NBA Draft

Heavenly Father,
As we sit here, fingers crossed,
Guide us in this moment of uncertainty.
Please steer GM from drama at the podium.
May Commissioner call out stud, not bust.
May we not end up with 7-foot stiff.
May no Darko nor Tskitishvili nor Kwame don our cap.
May we not trade for Vlade Divacs.
May we not move down for sloppy seconds.
May we not pass up future all-star.
May we run like the plague from all Kandi men.
May we draft no funny-haired Euro hold out.
Save us from mockery and ridicule
Prevent the travesty.
Enable the dynasty.
Amen.

Prayer Before Participating in Kumite

Lord our father who art in heaven.
As a sit here, legs spread and balanced between hotel chairs.
I humbly ask of thee to protect me as thoust has protected
countless generations of Dux brothers before me.
Spare the wrath of Chong Li or the knee of Tong Po.
May neither Tiger, Monkey, Mantis, Crane or Snake graze me.
Bless me with hot-bodied undercover reporter.
Guide me in form of bugeyed mulleted translator.
May I not suffer the fate of your pious Ogre.
May Cody not have to settle the score...again.
May I avenge sensei, and father, and brother, and murdered wife, and homeland, and warbuddy, and burnt down dojo with honor.
May I break their records like I break their face.
Guide my hand through brick and Ice.
Guard my face from glass and sand
May my accent pass as Creole.
Amen.

Prayer Before Daunting Projects

Dear Lord Almighty,
Shine upon me as I prepare to embark on this journey.
My pens, blank pages and instruments bless them too.
Blind me from judgement.
Spare me the fear.
May my stomach not grumble.
May my hunger not wane.
May my attention span last longer than this sentence.
May my mind not wander.
May my eyes not give way.
May past failures not haunt me.
May new excuses not emerge.
May no phone call nor IM distract me.
Grant me the courage to start,
Grant me the strength to finish.
Amen.

Prayer to Evict Techno Douchebag Neighbor

Dear Lord,
May he drown in his own hair gel.
May he choke on sushi roll.
May Ed Hardy come and beat him.
May Van Dyke come steal his soul.
His taste in music's lacking.
His timing's fucking lol.
The megamix is pumping,
Douchebag rapping at my door.
If I wasn't in pajamas,
If I wasn't this damn cold,
His face I'd surely remix.
His pants would sure be soiled.
If I catch him in the hallway
If I see him by the pool.
Lord help me beat his fucking head in.
Cause Lord he's a fucking tool.
Amen.

Prayer for Spam Satisfaction

by brother Casey

Heavenly Father, Creator of Spam,
Grant me extra inches to increase her pleasure.
Deliver 4,000,000 pounds from the lottery of the United Kingdom.
Bring forth thy plentiful bounty of free iPods, laptops, and Xbox 360s,
And V1agra at a considerable discount.
May thy Canadian pharmacy be true, and thy commerce laws flexible.
Protect thy humble servant Bill Gates as he distributes a dollar to everyone who forwards this email.
Grant me the strength to earn college degrees online,
The serenity to install strange programs sent by unknown addresses,
And the wisdom to give my bank account number to a Nigerian businessman.
Amen.

Prayer to Thwart Illness

Excuse my lord,
But is that a tickle in my throat?
Hath thee turn up thy air conditioning?
and what doth bubble in my guts?
I fear this worldly vessel sprung a leak.
But no lord it's not too late,
Throw me under the weather, but not under thy bus.
Spare me the cholera for some hypochondria.
Save me from the shits or sniffles.
Awaken all slacking white blood cells.
Evict virus, germ, and passing bug.
Bolster downed deflector-shields.
Bless useless Airborne tablet.
Refill empty energy bar.
Amen.

Prayer before Consuming Questionable Sustenance

Dear Lord almighty,
As I stand before thee at this most critical intestinal juncture,
I pray thee have mercy on thy mensal gambler,
For my plate be filled with faith not circumstance.
Grant my viscera visceral fortitude,
Coat my innards in divine steel.
May my stool not runneth over.
May no burp be filled with whey.
Diffuse thy Texaco burrito,
Spare me late night kebab's bane.
Shed the mystery from thy meat,
The sloppy from thy Joe,
The fast from thy food,
And the gas from thy tronomy.
Amen.

Prayer for the Retirement of George Lucas

by brother Casey

Almighty G-d, who art in heaven,
Seriously, it’s enough already.
Thy bounty hath already been plentiful;
Raiders, Star Wars, as well as many interesting video games.
But this sheep has gone astray. Way, way astray.
Return him to thy flock before any more damage can be done.
Lead him not to direct bad sequels,
But deliver him from the producer and director chair.
And forgive him, Father,
For clearly he knows not what he does.
His beard runneth over,
While his chin runneth under.
Restore him to sanity, Lord,
That he may learn to stop while he is ahead.
And if not, please just kill him.
In your name, we pray.
Amen.

Prayer Before Assembling Swedish Furniture

Lord our Father,
We have gathered here today,
324 boards, bolts, and wooden pegs,
Which I assume by divine miracle,
Somehow form into a coffee table.
Mine chance for timely return come and past,
For cardboard box now rest demolished.
So pray thee lord guide clumsy hand,
And bless mine orange tool kit.
Lord steer me through thick meatball haze,
Grant understanding of directions.
May this thing look like floor model,
And Sven, send him to heaven.
Thee built the world in seven days,
Cannot thy spare a second?
Amen.

Prayer to Prevent Pocket Dialing

Dear Lord,
Before I succumb to this eve's festivities,
I pray thee keep watchful eye upon mine faithful T616.
Whilest devoted and noble, none equal,
Freak tendency doth she prove to have.
Lord ensure activation of hold button.
Impede all stray calls to female.
Drunk-dialing 'nough troubles bestow me,
Keep buttons bunked firm in thy care.
I pray thee no mumble nor catcall,
Shall escape this pocket for free.
Tomorrow's a new day entirely,
Lord spare me the "oh shit, fuck me."
Amen.

Prayer to Assure Blog Survival

Oh God,
This blog thing is proving to be quite the pain in the ass.
It's even starting to encroach into Quantum Leap re-run time.
But Lord let this testament not fall to the wasteland.
Give me the strength to keep writing these things
Grant me never-ending content, and no, not just dirty stuff,
For I'm trying to keep this thing semi-PG.
Grant my laptop 8 days battery life.
Grant my brain more thee's and thou's
Remember old fallen blogs of yesteryear.
May their sacrifice not be all in vain.
Bring me some friggin' readers for godsake,
and a few comments wouldn't hurt too.
Amen.

Prayer Before Getting on Scale

Dear Lord our father,
As I stand here naked before thee,
waiting judgement from thy needle,
I ask thee for compassion,
and pray thee to be sparing.
Honor my sacrifice of bread and sucrose.
Immolate Grilled Stuff't Burrito combo.
May the week's fast not be-ith in vain.
May pedometer vouch for tribulation,
May devotion be measured in sweat.
May the stench of worn gymsock be testament to undying devotion.
Pardon pie and sweet iced tea,
for a sin to turn down mother be.
Cast blind eye upon pint and shotglass,
for tis but a blurry memory.
Amen.

Prayer on Eve of New iPhone

Father,
We give thanks of this eve of iPhone 2.0 release.
For a year now we've stood steadfast,
Resisted smug advertising and sleek packaging,
Refrained from tasting precious fruit from thine forbidden tree,
On this most holy of holy days, we humbly ask of thee,
Deliver us our daily spam with 3G connectivity
Deliver us 2 girls 1 cup with mobile Flash ability.
Grant us video-conferencing for humble Powerbook hath none.
Let it ring from mountain top with Trick Dadddy ringtone mp3.
Let it cut & paste our songs of praise and prayer, emails and sms.
Continue to guide our hearts and minds, but now with proper GPS.
May reception be strong and ample.
May it not cost arms nor legs.
Amen.

Prayer to Ward off Report Card

Father, who art in heaven,
On this gravest day of judgement,
Please strike haste in this Hatian driver's soul,
for thy brave schoolbus doth run slow.
May postman rest glued to toilet.
May paternal unit remain fast at work.
May little sister be temporarily kidnapped by benign gypsies.
May mine eyes be first to mailbox.
May thy post arrive by way of Taipei.
For in math thou didst not grant me prowess.
Nor in English did thoust grant me much craft.
Nor in French, albeit that another story altogether.
Godspeed Pierre, Godspeed.
Amen.

Prayer in Times of Mall Parking Need

by Brother Casey

Deus Mei, domine galleria,
Provida parkus spacio circa food courtatum.
Cajun chicken con platanos maduros est,
Coca cola et missus fieldus tu.
Handicapitus availabilitatum,
But non havo handicapitus stickerari.
Spacio con automobilus shortus appearum empti.
Personas en esiuvi cominando o goandarum?
Because circularo like twenty times already,
Et non spacio openandus.
What the fuck?
In nomine Brookstones,
Et Foot Locker,
Et Chik-Fil-A.
Amen.

Prayer to Vanquish Acne

Lord hear me in this time of need,
For dates and interviews hang in the balance.
Sure there's nothing visible just yet,
I fear this tingle groweth.
Grease, sugar, colossal stress,
No match for divine Clearasil.
May thy fury strike down heads both black and white.
May thoust shield my face from ridicule.
My T-zone lord, is in your hands,
Remember, I'm 29.
Amen.

Prayer for Window Seat

Lord grant my head some plastic.
Lord give my neck some peace.
Like Abraham with first born son,
I offer thee one armrest.
Seat A or E I beg you lord,
Not C. Not B. Not D.
Let me view your stars in heaven
Let me praise your lakes and seas.
Spare me elbows, trolleys, portly thighs,
Spare me peering eyes and sneeze.
An upright seat I vow thee lord.
I promise not to pee.
Amen.

Prayer for Lost Socks

Dear Lord,
Have mercy on this sock of mine, for it has strayed.
As stud and mare and stag and doe,
a clean pair thoust created.
Now separate from flock and foot,
alone doubt and darkness.
Not forsaken, nor forgotten,
I ask thee for compassion
Protect it from thief and vagrant,
dog and neighbor.
Grant safe passage through lint and lid,
hall and hamper.
Amen.

Prayer to End Beef Jerky Crisis

by Brother Casey

Our Father, who art in Heaven,
Give us this day our daily jerky.
May thy majestic cows come quick to the slaughter with minimal resistance,
And may their insides dry quickly and with juicy tenderness.
For thine is the Oberto, the Jack Links, and the Slim Jims.
And takest thou not from our wallets,
But bring thy salty goodness to our lips at a reasonable price,
Flavored with teriyaki, honey barbecue or black pepper,
So that we may chew it,
And chew it and chew it, and chew it,
Forever and ever.
Amen.

Prayer to Ward off Hangover

Heavenly father,
Forgive us for we have chugged.
Overdranketh from thy Jäger tree.
Jack, Johnny, Jose
no match to your greatness.
Highball, bucket, yard
no measure of your compassion.
Lord have mercy on our heads.
Deliver us from happy hour.
Guide us through spin and shiver.
May our bowels not betray us.
May late-nite tacos lie where they rest.
Amen.

Prayer to End Boredom

Dear Lord almighty,
Bring forth thy alien invasion.
May the building burn down, so that I may save the darling children.
May I stumble upon Bin Laden in a Starbuck's restroom
Hurricane, Typhoon, Locust
I'm at the ready lord.
At your command, unleash the zombie hoard.
Let me stumble upon thy frozen teradactyl .
Keep a bus from traveling under 60 mph.
Resuscitate the elderly.
Deliver babies.
Fight communism.
Amen.